Very Funny Quotes
…gettin’ straight to the point!
Very funny quotes are exactly what you need to start your day. No huge texts to read, no time to waste – spend just a fraction of time, and you’ll be smiling for hours!
Tell them to your friends, memorize them or print them out – thes very funny quotes will surely help you out when the things get a little rough.
And remember – don’t take life too seriously. After all, no one has made it out alive!
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Robert Bloch
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
Author Unknown
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
Ronald Knox
“As God once said, and I think rightly…”
Margaret Thatcher
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres.
Having fun with these very funny quotes? I hope you do, because here comes another bunch!
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Power means not having to respond.
I’d rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office.
I’m not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson
The meek shall inherit the Earth after we’re done with it.
Money can’t buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.
Golda Meir
When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
And here’s some more really funny quotes!
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
You have a right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.
Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
Love your enemies. It’ll make ‘em crazy.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Abba Eban
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Robin Williams
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, “There’s just something about you that pisses me off!!”
Stephen King
Well, how was it? Good? Alrighty, then! If you enjoyed these very funny quotes – I invite you to browse my site for more really funny stuff, and of course – you’re welcome to submit your own funny quotes!