Funny Poems
…the jewels of humorous poetry!
Need to cheer up? Getting ready for the date? In that case, funny poems is the first thing you need!
The poems I’ve found will surely make your day a little bit funnier – and what else is there to ask? One thing for certain – they’ll make you smile no matter how you use them!
Can’t wait to get to business? Let’s go then! But what is that serious look on your face? Come on, you ain’t here to do business! Relax – and have some good fun!
The first one is my personal favorite – poor,poor volcano!
Eruptile Dysfunction
There was a volcano near tears,
and time only increased his fears.
It made him feel sad
that he hadn’t had
a decent eruption in years.
Albert Van Hoogmoed
vanh6@aol.com
Another jewel of Limerick poems – I present you “The Schmidts”:
The Schmidts
Last night I was guest at the Schmidts:
I left there scared out of my wits!
There were hideous shrieks,
Framed pictures of freaks,
And Bathrobes marked “his”, “hers” and “its”!
Lucy Blades
LBlades595@aol.com
Liked these funny poems? Well, here’s more! Check out this funny poem with a very unexpected ending!
A Night With My Lady
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I’ve been practicing, believe me, it shows.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
Another deep breath, the tension mounts
Have to stay focused, every moment counts
I am ready lets get movin’
Here it goes, we both start groovin’.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I start out slow to get in the swing
As I do she starts to sing
The sounds and feelings grow more immense
The movements, become more intense.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
She screams and screams, while I am gropin’
My heart stops as I see the door open
My mom walks in and with a frown
Says, Your guitar is too loud, please turn it down.
Jared M. Stein
More funny poems are coming. Girls, forgive me for this one!
The Girl’s Prayer
Our Cash
Which art on plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
In Myer
As it is in David Jones
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
And lead us not into Katies
And deliver us from Sussans
For thine is the Dinnigan, the Akira and the Armani
For Chanel No. 5 and Eternity
Amex
Author Unknown
Here’s another one with a twist in the end:
We Loved The World Together
Remember
We loved the world together
You and I
Remember
We had fun, life, excitement
You and I
Remember
We found that fantasic bistro…
On the way to the taxi rank..
To get in from the rain
Where I drank till I spewed
and blamed the champagne..
Where the waiter took a shine to you
And picked you up
waltzed you across the floor.
I’ll never go through that door…
again…
Without you my love.
Everything changed…
didn’t it, later on…
Post dessert pre coffee
It all turned sour
The waiter that next time returned to me..
With a glower
And you…
My love..
How could you come back to me cut in two
Broke even my hard unreachable heart
to see you cut up, your halves wide apart!
Maybe I used you..
Maybe I used and abused you.
Used and abused and repeatedly used you
Maybe abused you too hard…
Oh my over abused
Master Card.
Gordon Taylor
gordontaylor01@hotmail.com
This member of funny poems family caused me a serious headache. Maybe you’ll sort iy out?
I Am My Own Grandpa
Many, many years ago
When I was twenty-three
I got married to a widow
Pretty as could be.
This widow had a grow-up daughter
With flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
Now my daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father’s wife then had a son
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.
My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She’s my grandma, too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw,
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
Molly Ellis
Hahah! Niiice! OK, what else have we got here? Ahh, check this out:
Smile Virus
Smiling is infectious, you catch it like the flu.
When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling, too.
I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin
when he smiled, I realized I’d passed it on to him!
I thought about that smile and then realized its worth,
a single smile, just like mine, could travel round the earth.
So, if you feel a smile begin, don’t leave it undetected,
let’s start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!
Russel H. Conwell
More funny poems? Alright, here goes!
To My Alarm Clock
Every morning I lie there innocently sleeping
When the peace is ruptured by a horrible beeping.
My serenity ripped asunder, sudden and drastic
By this evil, demonic, red-eyed piece of plastic.
I roll over in pain and pound on the snooze,
Groaning, moaning, thinking ‘What’s there to lose?’
‘Don’t make me get up, just nine minutes more.’
The same thing I’ve said every morning before.
It’s not that I hate mornings or dread the new day.
It’s just that I loathe waking up in this way.
I’d much rather simply rise up with the light,
Glowing in the window, chasing away the night.
But the sudden screaming, the incessant fuss,
Makes me want to yell and cry and simply to cuss.
Especially the knowledge that all of my sorrow
Will be repeated the same time, same way, tomorrow.
Ashleigh Delk
This jewel of my funny poems collection is dedicated to all the young parents around!
The Joy Of Raising A Baby
We’re glad you joined our family,
Yet some things make us wonder;
How can a little package like you
Have a voice that’s loud as thunder?
You are so small and oh so cute,
But you are never very shy,
For whenever you want something,
You just open your mouth and cry.
First you moved on hands and knees,
Then you were up on your feet.
We’re chasing you all around the house;
We’re tired; we need a retreat!
Some food is on the table;
Some food is on the floor;
Seems the only place food didn’t go,
Is in the baby we adore.
Diapers here and diapers there,
Stinky… smelly… Whew!
Diapers would have done us in,
If we didn’t love you as we do.
We’re glad you joined our family,
You’re a unique and wonderful treasure.
So, despite the work of raising you,
Being your parents is a total pleasure!
Morgan Zane
And finally, a silly funny poem I loved
Silly Poem
Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
I’ll draw a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?
Spike Milligan
Liked them? Know better ones? Submit your own funny poems using the form below. Be sure to attach your name, though – otherwise I’ll have to write the nasty "author unknown"!